Welcome to the Get In Line Rose website, a collection of fiction predominantly featuring the Baker Project.

This project began with the ambitious goal of completing thirteen short stories or first chapters, which could, upon further exploration, be expanded into fuller prose. It is something of a sampler – a first service menu – offering appetizers of different genres, so that the baker himself might find recipes that best complement his style.

From the start, it was intended for serving to an audience of close critics and friends, who could ultimately participate in deciding what should be cooked into the main course, and what should be thrown away as too sweet, too salty, too saucy, too meaty, too fatty, too tofu, or too green.

Sometimes the healthiest reading is most indigestible.

The Baker Project gets its title, if not its inspiration, from the term a baker’s dozen, in which the baker makes and includes at no additional cost, an extra or thirteenth item, to insure the customer is not cheated if one of the loaves should be light. As a contrarian, this author always considers thirteen to be a lucky number, and in any case, the extra story is to make up for any that might be a little light.

Herewith then, are the thirteen essays, short stories, first chapters, scenes, and gimmicks, for you to taste. In some cases there may be a second chapter or rough story outlined somewhere on the back of a cocktail napkin or a postage stamp, but for the most part, this is it.

At least initially, amplification of any of these pieces will be based on popular feedback, either to stories or characters, or style. Your positive comments will be appreciated, and negative commentary not so much (but the scribbler will take it like a man – that is, sitting down with the option to duck.)

Be warned that this is not the Disney Store and these are not bedtime stories for your children or young teens.

The themes are adult, the language is sometimes obscene, and in the case of Please Watch the Gap, the sex is explicit. If this is not your thing, that is OK, just don’t read it.

The scribe also makes no apologies for the characters; what they say or what they do. This is how people talk and these are the actions they make. Capturing them is the endeavor.

Every good story is comprised of likable characters – noble or notorious – placed in interesting predicaments, and with believable actions and dialog, finding their way to an unpredictable outcome. And if by some happy accident, the plot reveals some insight into the human condition, or a theme strikes a social chord, then mere fiction becomes literature.

But this author has no lofty aspirations, and is most pleased when contrived characters are forced into simple circumstances, and with a few sentences or paragraphs of pushing and prodding, take on a life of their own, and act so naturally, and speak with such truth, that the writer no longer drives the narrative, but merely records the story as it unfolds.

And like a fine artist with a closet full of sketches that never see canvas, for each story herein, there are ten or a hundred that remain untold, because the characters failed to carry the tale to fruition. (The author takes no responsibility for these failures, and little credit for the characters that strut and fret themselves, but fall off the stage before reaching the conclusion of Act One.)

Some of these failed stories, like The Tupperware Party, Why Goats Lie, and Southern Porter might be revitalized sometime in the future, with additional inspiration, better staffing, or improved lighting. But for now they don’t make the cut.

It should be noted that while the original premise for all of the stories is often drawn from real life experiences of the author, the plots are in almost every case pure fiction, with the writer, at the beginning, having no more idea how it would end than the reader. Therefore, any likeness to a real life occurrence could only be by pure coincidence.

Names are changed to protect the innocent and guilty alike, and nearly all characters are a composite of more than one hero or heroine from mortal life. Likewise characters and settings are swapped about at the whimsy of the puppeteer, with janitors occupying Wall Street high rises, girlfriends driving trains, and strangers having the most familiar faces.

If you find yourself in one of these stories, please be advised that you are either fairly full of yourself, over imaginative, or perhaps possess a guilty conscious. The author can help you with none of these issues.

While this collection of stories crosses genres, themes, and styles, the titles are listed in purposeful sequence. If it pleases you, read them in order. If you can possibly manage the time, please play both sides at one meeting. See also: Completion Backwards Principle.

Most of all, have fun here… As I did.

Kirt Van Buren
Sedalia, VA
December 31, 2015