ACT I / Scene 1

Man walks into the kitchen kisses his wife on the cheek while she is at the sink, throws his jacket over the chair, and sits down at the kitchen table looking through mail.

Man: How was your day, dear?

Woman: I think there is something wrong with the freezer. Your mother called earlier and wants us to come over for dinner on Sunday. You can go if you want, and take the kids. I have to finish hemming Mrs. Vanderbilt’s drapes. Jenny’s teacher called and said she needs extra help in Math. I told her I couldn’t understand how she could need help in Math. She is a whiz at Math. They asked for a conference next Tuesday. I have to work on Tuesday. I guess I will be late. I hope you are available. I can’t be a single mother all the time. It’s in the morning, I wrote the time down. All of these vegetables are soggy. It’s the freezer. I turned down the thermostat, but it didn’t seem to help. The ice cube maker is a solid block. Kevin is at soccer. He needs to be picked up in fifteen minutes. I am going to put these peas on the stove to simmer and then go get him. Will you watch to see they don’t boil over. Unless you want to go get him. You mother also said your father needs to talk to you. She didn’t say about what. Something too secret to share with a daughter-in-law, I guess. Anyway you are supposed to call him. Make sure you do. I don’t want to be blamed for not giving you the message. You know that’s what will happen. You will forget to call and I’ll be the ditsball that can’t even pass along a simple message. If this meeting on Tuesday goes wrong they will probably want to put Jenny in a slower Math class. Maybe even want her to go to summer school to catch up. How am I going to get her to and from that? I guess I could ask Meg to take her. No chance her Frank Jr. won’t be going to summer school. Jenny will hate that. She can’t stand Frank Jr. She says he creeps her out looking at her. She says he doesn’t put on any deodorant. Kids call him Stank Jr. She says he doesn’t care. How is she going to get through summer school if it starts with her riding with that everyday. Summer school isn’t going to look good to colleges. Neither is remedial math. These peas will be done before I get back. Just turn off the stove and set them on the back burner. Don’t let them boil over. I still can’t get the burnt spaghetti sauce off the stove from last month when I asked you to watch that! My car wouldn’t start this morning. Well not the first time I tried. I think it needs an oil change. Somewhere I have a coupon for the Jiffy Lube if you aren’t going to get to it anytime soon. I don’t want to let that go. I need to know the car is going to start. I don’t want to get stuck in front of the school with a car that doesn’t start. Kid can’t get through Math and a piece of shit car. What kind of parents does that make us look like. Probably report us to DYFS or something. Woman at work, her cousin got reported to DYFS. They took her kids. She was dealing drugs out of her trailer, but still. Its a slippery slope. Did you call the cable company about those movie charges. I don’t want the kids watching those slut movies when we aren’t home. You need them to block those channels and get those charges reversed. I don’t even know how we got those movies. I thought you said we just had the basic channels. It’s not appropriate you know. If Kevin grows up to be a raper or a pervert or something it is going to be because of the cable TV, and your fault. You need to take care of that. I was thinking maybe we could take a few days off this summer and go to Cape May. I would like to do something other than sit in this stifling house all summer. Of course we have to work around the summer school thing. You better support me at this meeting. Oprah has a house at Cape Cod. My mom saw it on TV. She said it looked more like a hotel than a house, it was so big. I wonder if they give tours or anything. I have to go get Kevin. Rose is in her bedroom. She is supposed to be cleaning up her toys. You might want to check on her. She’s probably popping heads off her Barbie dolls. She is the next one that is going to need to see a shrink. Get in line, Rose. Look at that stinking dog shitting in our yard. Would you go ask Dick to keep his shittin’ dog on a leash. It wouldn’t be so bad if the piles weren’t so big. I don’t know how such a little dog can make such big shit. Even the lawn mower doesn’t break it up. By the way we need gas for the mower. And gas for the grill. Your brother used up all the gas the last time he was over. I don’t know why men think it takes all the fire from hell to cook a few hot dogs. The paint will be peeling off the garage next. Just what we need. I don’t want to spend my whole summer painting the garage because your brother is an arsonist. Maybe we should just put vinyl siding on like the Dicks did. Then your brother can just melt the side off the garage. The vinyl isn’t cheap. People think it’s cheap, but it’s not. If I have another day like today I’m going to tell my boss he can shove it up his ass. Then we won’t be able to afford even the vinyl siding. But I can’t take it any more. Susan told Marlene that sales are so lousy there are going to be layoffs at the end of the month. I would rather quit. Marlene doesn’t care. She and her husband are getting ready to take off for Florida. Why Florida I don’t know. Especially this time of year. Who goes to Florida in the summer. People are crazy. Marlene and her husband are great together though. She says that after 30 years together they are still the best of friends. I think that’s great. I wonder what that’s like. Being with your best friend for 30 years. I would think even that would get old. He’s a romantic, always suggesting they go new places and try new things. But I wouldn’t even want to picture them in the sack. God, they’re almost 60. If her boobs get any lower she will be using her bra as a belt. Him too. Nope. Wouldn’t want to be a fly on that wall. Speaking of the cable bill, I think that needs to be paid this week along with the electric and phone. I don’t need them turning off the cable again. What a nightmare that was getting reconnected. Remember? I was on the phone with them for like two days straight. You don’t care now. But it will be football season again before you know it. Then you will care. If they turn the cable off, I’m not calling to get it restored. You can do that. Waste two days of your life that you’ll never get back. Wait until football season. See if I care. That will be the icing on the cake. Stifling hot summer, no TV and summer school. Might as well go to Florida with the Marlenes. This lasagna will be done in a few minutes. Will you shut that off with the peas. Just leave it in the oven until I get back. But don’t forget or we’ll be buying a new oven and a new refrigerator. Not that we’ll need either, because we’ll already be in the poor house. Jennifer wants to go to the movies with her friends on Friday night. I said “What friends?” and she said “Mom!” so I said “Fine. Take it up with your father.” Make sure you find out what friends. Ask questions this time. Don’t always make me out to be the mean parent. Don’t just say yes. Step up. We don’t need her going to the movies with a bunch of kids and smoking pot and getting pregnant and arrested. Summer school won’t be much fun with morning sickness. And a drug arrest won’t look good trying to get into college. Tard math, drug arrest, and pregnant. Thats just great. Don’t look at me to take care of the baby while she’s off having a good old time in college. You can change diapers for the rest of your life, if you want!

A brief pause in the dialog.

W: Bill, are you listening to me?

M: Yes dear. Did you say something?

End of Scene 1.

2015 Kirt Van Buren